25-Oct-2003
SHE'S BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND -- SO WHEN DO I MAKE MY MOVE?

Hi Doc,

I'm quite confused and could use your help. I have read both of your books and listened to your CDs. I have been trying to practice "The System" more and more in order to master it. However, one issue still puzzles me, and I hope you will kindly offer some insights on this one.

I've known and liked Kristen for a year now. She's beautiful, fun and nice – everything I admire in a girl. We were in class and a work group together for a semester at the university we both attend, so the situation is more like a friendship than anything else. I didn't make any move to ask her out because I'd heard from another female classmate that she had a boyfriend. I didn't want to make trouble, so I declined Kristen's offer when she invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her family. (Was this a stupid move on my part? I hope not.)

After the semester ended, we went out to lunch twice and that's all. Whenever we were together I tried to keep the conversation light and funny, as you've advised.  We still keep in contact, at least sporadically, and recently I learned that she's in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend. (By the way, I didn't hear this directly from her, but from other sources.)

I'm not sure how all of this is going to turn out, but Doc, I want to stand a chance with Kristen if she does indeed end up breaking off with her boyfriend. She is a good girl and I find that I miss her. I know you stress the importance of being a Challenge, so I've kept my mouth shut and not contacted her after hearing these rumors about her and her boyfriend.

Doc, I've heard that girls don't generally jump into a new relationship immediately when they break up with their boyfriends. Is this true, or just a myth? If it's true, what's the turnover time between relationships? Will Kristen think poorly of me if I make a move on her too soon?

I know from your books that I shouldn't spill out my guts and reveal all my feelings to this girl. So how should I give her the subtle hint that I like her as something different than a friend without ticking her off? I guess my real question is this: how and when should I make my next move? Thanks, Doc.

McQueen -- who is unsure of what to do next

Jeez, pal -- what in the world are you waiting for? And I don't mean just with Kristen. Pinch yourself every once in a while to remind yourself that you're alive!  As General Love says, "Take the bull by the horn!"

But let's take your concerns one by one. Sadly, declining Kristen's invitation to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family was a blockheaded move on your part. The general rule is no group dates, and accepting her invitation would have qualified as a group date. But since you're "just friends" anyway and you had time to spend with her family, you could have used the opportunity to show her family what a great guy you are, which would have helped you get rid of the turkey she was thinking about dumping! McQueen, this was a big, big blunder!

You say that you and Kristen only went out to lunch a couple of times. Why not three or four times? And why not at night? You should have taken her dancing, so she could get her hands on you -- none of this wishy-washy day-date stuff! It's a weak way to close a deal!

Now guy, you shouldn't be talking to Kristen's friends about anything having to do with her. Because all her friends are going to do is twist the truth, and you're going to end up stabbing yourself in the back. Remember, everybody out there is trying to stop you from getting to this girl, so keep your mouth shut!

Your restraint has been quite admirable, McQueen. As a matter of fact, your non-aggression would be the envy of the Dalai Lama. But for anything significant to happen now with Kristen, she has to contact you. And if and when that happens, the first thing you've got to do is ASK HER OUT. You have to move out of this "friendship" role you've assumed and take her out when the sun's down, make her laugh, and make sure she has a great time.  And if she never contacts you, McQueen, she never really liked you in the first place.

So the upshot of your impasse, McQueen, is that you've got to move from the friendship plane to the dating plane. You've been playing the role of friend too long. That's why, even though she had a boyfriend, you should have asked her for her home phone number. And if she'd said no, you should have given her yours, and told her "As soon as your boyfriend is circling in the sink, call me – I'll be your quality backup!" And walked away with a smile.

You ask whether females jump directly into another relationship after breaking up a longstanding relationship. The answer depends on how high her Interest Level in that ex-boyfriend was.  But the general rule is that they go through a few guys before getting involved again, and the first guy usually doesn't keep her.  They usually have their ducks lined up in a row – they're not sitting around staring at the four walls. 

Your waiting around has to stop. Ask yourself this: Is Kristen waiting around for you? And while you're waiting around, why aren't you lining up other dates? You should always assume the worst is going to happen, even though you maintain a positive attitude. After all, dating is a numbers game. You might have to go through 99 women before making a sale. Why are you waiting for this girl? This is your life, man!

McQueen, there are no subtle hints to be given. The way you show a girl you like her is by being respectful, considerate, keeping your hands to yourself, and not looking at other women when you're out on a date with her. But what's really disturbing, McQueen, is that you never once talked at all about her Interest Level in you. Can you name one thing that she's ever done to show that she has any type of real interest in you?

Finally, you want to know when you should make your next move. McQueen, you never made your first move! When Kristen calls or e-mails you, just say "I want to take you out on a date Thursday." When you say the word "date," she'll know what that means in no uncertain terms. There'll be no need for trying to pass subtle hints. If she tries to back you off or refuses, it means that a.) she's not ready, or b.) you were never in the ballgame anyway. 

Either way, you can't keep waiting around. The idea of closing a deal is to close ASAP.  You're spending too much time on this girl, and you're spending too much time in your head.

Remember, guys: only look at the girl's Interest Level.

- Doc Love