How Do I Make Her Mine?
Dear Philippa,
I have met a wonderful woman who
has just come out of a divorce. Other than a few casual dates, I was the
first one she started dated. We have been out a few times. We have a lot
in common and enjoy each other's company. I don't want to sabotage what
I have but how do I approach her about wanting to continue to see her
exclusively? I don't want to scare her off and I don't want to miss this
opportunity either.
—Brian, Lexington, KY
Dear Brian,
It's clear that you are quite smitten with this woman; but hold
onto those reigns before you gallop off into the sunset together. Look
what you just told me. She is just coming out of a divorce. You like
each other, but you've only dated a short while—so you barely know one
another.
Of course, it's natural that you should want a sense of permanency
when you feel the stirrings of chemistry and potential
compatibility—you don't want this woman to slip away. But she has
barely started dating again—after how many years of marriage?
And never mind scaring her off, when things move too fast you risk
finding yourself less thrilled after the initial exhilaration and
chase is over and you are faced with the realities of an exclusive
relationship.
Let things play out in their natural time. In a little while talk
to your friend casually about how she's enjoying dating again after
the divorce. This will give you an idea where she is headed. She may
well have decided not to get seriously involved for a certain length
of time. If this is the case, it doesn't necessarily have anything to
do with you; it's probably just something she decided before she met
you.
The best thing you can do is to keep things light and continue
discovering what you both want as you date each other, and others too.
This is what I call discovery dating. And, it is best if you do not
get physically intimate with anyone during this stage of dating. When
sufficient time has passed you'll both know instinctively when it's
time to go to the next level. You need the time to distinguish between
what I call "Romantic Fantasia" or "Lust Blindness" and the real
thing. You both need this time, and she needs to feel that you are
more than just the guy she met on the rebound.
Nothing turns people off more than a sense of neediness or pressure
on the part of the other person. You can't put her in some box stamped
"Hands Off, Property of Brian'. Exclusivity is a mutual decision based
on mutual caring, not a method to capture her before someone else
does.
The main thing is you have to sincerely let go of the idea that
this woman has to be "the one". She may be, or she may not be,
but only time will tell. Let things unfold naturally. Just enjoy the
times together without any concern about the outcome and she will find
you much more appealing. If you want this relationship to develop into
something special, you have to treat it like fine wine and give it the
time to breathe and develop it's full flavor. With time she may be the
one to suggest that you make the relationship exclusive. Don't lose
sight of your own value in this relationship and she'll see the value
in you.
—Philippa
Philippa Courtney
