Controlling Men Turn Women Off
Dear Philippa,
I started seeing
someone; just hanging out, bowling, having dinner, etc. It is very casual and
I'd like it to be more but she doesn't respond. Then she asked me would I mind
if my girlfriend went to a male strip club. I told her I didn't really agree
with it, but I wouldn't try and stop her going if she wanted to. I got the
feeling she was testing me because her last boyfriend was extremely controlling.
She has a big problem with us not agreeing on this subject and I am not sure
why. I can understand that she doesn't want a repeat of her last boyfriend, but
trust and honesty are vital to a relationship, yet she thinks my opinion about
the strip club implies I don't trust her. How do you see this situation?
—Bret, Sydney, Australia
Dear Bret,
Many women are very
sensitive about the issue of being controlled. One reader, who I will call Sue,
wrote me about an possessive boyfriend who started a fight with a guy he thought
was dancing with her. The guy was actually dancing with a woman that looked like
Sue. Sue is right to be concerned about her boyfriend's jealousy and violent
behavior and I hope she gets away from him as fast as she can.
But Bret, you sound like a
good guy who is just being open and honest about your feelings. You could be
right; your lady friend may well be testing your trust in her because of her
last boyfriend's behavior. But, there is a big difference between expressing an
opinion and trying to control someone. You don't sound like you are the
controlling type.
A sense of independence in
a relationship is healthy. But some women may have trouble distinguishing the
good guys who express concern from the controlling guys who may be dangerous.
Could it be that at some
level you may enjoy being around a woman who is a bit of a challenge? If not,
why are you hanging around with someone who is putting up so many roadblocks so
early in the relationship? She is still deciding if she wants things to go to
the next stage and if you are both compatible. It's too soon for you to be this
serious.
You talk about trust being
vital to a successful relationship. But Bret, trust is something that builds
over time, not after a few weeks of knowing someone. Could your desire to take
this relationship to the next step cause you to appear more serious than this
woman thinks is appropriate? Your seriousness could come across as a bit
stifling, which to a woman coming out of a possessive relationship, could be
interpreted as controlling.
The strip club issue may
be a red flag about different values. I wouldn't question your opinion or worry
about it appearing too controlling. Be true to yourself and recognize that you
and this woman may unfortunately not be compatible.
—Philippa
Philippa Courtney
