How Do I Stay Loyal to my Online Lover-to-be?
Dear Philippa,
I have been involved in an email relationship for a year. I'm
having trouble knowing how to transition from an Internet to a real-life
relationship. Although we haven't met yet we have agreed to be true to
each other although we may date other people. She is a real knock out
and a model. I think she's used to having men see her as just a sex
object. How can I reassure her that I'm different and how can I stay
loyal and not be sexually frustrated until she agrees to meet me?
—Sean, Portland, OR
Dear Sean,
It is amazing to me that people actually commit to
each other and set up all kinds of demands without ever having met
each other. I just heard from a chap in the UK who is going through a
similar thing so I have to believe your situation is not uncommon.
When I wrote about a thing I call "Premature Expectation"
in my "4 Steps" book, I was referring to a condition we get ourselves into
when we imagine having a relationship with someone before we've even met
them. In my case I used to set myself up for a hard fall by imagining some
guy I spoke to for ages on the phone (or on the Internet) was going to be
"the one". And inevitably when we met the reality was never as good as
fantasy.
Your situation is another version of "Premature
Expectation." Someone you have never met is asking you to make a major
commitment to her without even agreeing to meet you. Doesn't that sound
unreasonable to you?
You are caught in the fantasy of winning this beautiful
prize. The irony is that you think the romantic fantasy is sustaining you.
But in reality you are starving for emotional and physical intimacy. You
may think that you are about to catch this beautiful creature but it
sounds to me like she has you in the butterfly net.
Online dating is great for screening people and as a
preliminary introduction service. But it cannot take the place of a real
face-to-face meeting and going on dates where a person's personality and
behavior are fully visible.
Do you believe it is possible for you to find a real live
woman who is geographically and emotionally attainable and with whom you
can build a relationship? Or are you chasing after a dream lover because
you feel it is too difficult for you to meet and to get to know a real
one?
Sean, take your power back. Value yourself enough to seek
out a woman who will appreciate what a great catch you are and who wants
to meet you. Realize that you certainly deserve at least that much from
any woman that is worth your time and interest.
—Philippa
Philippa Courtney
