Online Connection — Off Line Intimacy
Dear Philippa:
I recently met a man using an Internet match
site. We got together and hit it off right away. Even though I'm a big woman, my
weight didn't seem to bother him. We went hiking and talked and we even talked
about having a future together. Then I found out he was back online trying to
meet other women and I was devastated. I wonder if I said something wrong or if
my weight really is the problem.
—June, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Dear June:
I totally relate to your experience. I used to feel
the same way when I found romance print ads run by someone I was dating. I felt
hurt and outraged. But the reality is that when we first date someone, they have
the right to meet and date anyone else they like.
I think these feelings have to do with our desire
for instant intimacy, especially if we've been alone for a while and tend to
over romanticize new relationships. It takes time to get to know someone and
decide if they are long-term material. Sometimes when you are in a romantic
setting, like sharing a nature hike, you get caught up in the closeness of the
moment and you both enjoy imagining future possibilities. This doesn't mean that
your date has decided that you are the one, or that you should think that they
are the one for you.
Forget the self-criticism. This has nothing to do
with you doing something wrong or being the wrong size. There are many reasons
why this man may have decided to keep playing the field. It doesn't really
matter why he did. All that matters is that you decide what you want. You may
decide to date several different people, sharing different interests and
activities with each of them, as a way of safeguarding yourself from getting too
romantically involved with one person too soon. You may also want to have an
open discussion with your dates about each of your dating styles. Let each other
know that you'll be meeting different people, so you can discover what you both
want in a relationship. This will take the pressure off for both of you.
Also keep in mind that online and personal ad dating
are some of the least expensive methods to meet a lot of people. Because of the
minimal financial investment, people use this approach to find dates for a
variety of reasons: just to have fun, to explore their sexuality, to bounce back
from failed relationships, as well as to meet the love of their life.
Be cautious, take it slow, and get to know and like
your dates as their true self unfolds over time. The results can pay off big
time, as many successful online daters can tell you.
—Philippa
Philippa Courtney
