Is It Cheating?
Dear Philippa,
Do you think a guy who
looks at porn on the Internet is cheating? My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating by
doing this. But I'm faithful to her. I'm not even having cyber-sex with anyone.
It's all just fantasy. What's wrong with that?
—Paul, Cincinnati, OH
Dear Paul,
There are those people who
view all pornography as morally wrong. I don't know if your girlfriend is one of
these people. If she is, then you have more than an issue concerning sexual
behavior, you have a serious difference in values. I'm assuming that this is not
what is going on in your situation.
I read a survey a year or
so ago in a woman's magazine that asked women your question and 45% of them said
that if you told your girlfriend about your porno watching you weren't cheating;
but if you didn't then you were.
I wonder if the women that
were surveyed would feel the same way if the guy read girlie magazines or rented
erotic videos. I suspect it's not the act of viewing pornography to fantasize
that bothers most women, but the type of porno viewed. Keep in mind that online
pornography means different things to different people because it ranges from
partially nude photos to videos that exceed the boundaries of acceptable
behavior.
Personally, I find that
most of the xxx-spam that reaches my email system addressed to AskPhilippa is
pretty warped and offensive. Another concern your girlfriend may have is that
you may eventually try online cyber-sex because it is so easily available.
Some people also feel that
pornography objectifies women because it often portrays women the way some men
wish they would be, focused solely on physically pleasing their man. Porno does
not take into account a woman's need for emotional as well as physical intimacy.
How can a real-live woman ever compete with the fantasy portrayed on the screen?
If you want to resolve
these issues then you have to help your girlfriend feel like her concerns are
valid. You need to listen to why she is disturbed by what you do. And I do mean
sincerely listen so she knows that you care about how she feels. Experts in
human sexuality say that the healthiest relationships are where both partners
are totally open with each other about what they like sexually so they can
create an environment where both feel safe sharing new experiences together.
Fantasy is healthy and
normal; however, online pornography may not be the best source for your
pleasure. Use this experience as an opportunity to develop more intimacy in your
relationship. Consider sharing fantasies and making them part of your time
together as well as apart. Talk to each other about what you like and what you
need to feel satisfied. And most importantly show your girlfriend that she is
one who fires your fantasies and fills your heart.
—Philippa
Philippa Courtney
